Never Tell a Women these 10 Things

There are few guarantees in life, but this much we can say with certainty: The sun rises in the east, death comes to us all and you will, at one time or another, suddenly find yourself in the midst of a blazing fight with your girlfriend without even realizing it.

Many of us have been there. One minute you’re having a conversation, maybe a minor argument, but that’s OK, it’s all under control. Then you say something -- a word or passing comment, something relatively harmless, or so you think -- and it sets her off. As soon as it leaves your lips, the air changes and there’s no easy way back.

There are some things men should never say to their women -- conversational land mines that appear insignificant on the face of it, but are anything but. The good news is that we know, for the most part, what they are. Many men have suffered before you. It would be wise to heed their counsel.

1. “Are you really going to eat all that?”

Your girlfriend is, by definition, as light as a feather and nimble as a dancer. To so much as whisper a hint of the notion that she might be, you know, otherwise, is to risk paying a price as heavy as you suspect her to be. In fact, avoid the topic of food altogether if you can. Eating is an emotional, often obsessive business for women, and occasionally an actual disorder. It’s tied up with their identity, their self-image, their fantasies… So the answer is, yes, she's really going to eat all that. All that dancing must have given her an appetite.

2. “B*tch”

The B word is like the N word: Unless you’ve been appropriately oppressed, you don’t get to use it. You might be able to pull off an ironic Snoop Dogg-style “beeeyatch,” so long as you’re smiling as you say it. But to say “b*tch” with any kind of intent is to pull the pin out of a grenade.

3. “My ex used to…”

Anything you say with the words “my ex” in it will be held against you in a court of law, as well it should. Of course it’s natural to compare your girlfriends, but keep it to yourself. There are inside thoughts and outside thoughts. This belongs firmly to the former category.

4. “You always do that.”

One sure way to escalate a minor tiff into a nuclear showdown is to use words like “never” and “always”. They’re too sweeping to be true, so you’ll not only upset her, you’ll give her the opportunity to prove you wrong and seize the higher ground. And it tends to drag every other argument you’ve had into your present one, which is like rehashing all the worst parts of your relationship all at once.

5. “You sound just like your mother.”

Don’t compare her to her mother. Or her sister, for that matter. You don’t know those people like she does, and you don’t know the full complexity of their relationships. And anyway, everyone wants an independent identity, separate and distinct from their family members.

6. “Yeah, she’s hot.”

Chances are she lured you in with an innocent question, like, “Do you think she’s cute?”, shrugging her shoulders like it wouldn't matter either way. But don’t be fooled. You must lie quickly and reflexively. Whether it’s a girl in a magazine, a Facebook friend, a waitress -- whoever -- the answer is always no. In fact, you win extra points for casually finding fault in her the closer you look. Watch your girlfriend light up as you say, “Is it me, or is her nose a bit weird?”

7. “What’s up with your hair?”

Her hair looks great and it suits her perfectly. She’s allowed to have a bad hair day, but you’re not allowed to notice. For girls, hair isn’t just hair.

8. “Relax.”

The thing about “relax” is it dramatically reduces the chances of her relaxing. The same goes for “chill” and “calm down.” Here’s an alternative: “I can see how you would feel that way.” It takes a Zen master to actually use it in the heat of combat, but it's there if you need it.

9. “Is this your time of the month?”

Even if it is, you’re not to mention it. Your role is to pretend that her menstrual cycle has no effect on her tendency to shriek and stamp and then burst into tears for no reason whatsoever. In this matter, you must occupy the high ground and show pity -- indulge her delusion that she is not in fact deranged by hormones and that she’s making a valid point. The moment will pass.

10. “I love you.”

I know what you’re thinking. This is supposed to be the magic pill, the cure-all, the instant fix. But the thing about the L word is that it sends women into a heightened sense of awareness. As soon as they hear it, they can tell whether you mean it or not. Misuse the force and it may destroy you. Or as the saying goes, if you play with fire, you might get slapped in the middle of a restaurant.

Sanjiv Bhattacharya a frequent contributor to Men's Life Today, writes for Esquire (UK) and is the author of Secrets & Wives: The Hidden World of Mormon Polygamy. He blogs at sanjivb.com.

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How to be a Bollywood Actor

    So you haven’t been born a Kapoor, Khan or Sippy, but you still want to get into Bollywood? If you're determined of being in the movie you're watching, don’t give up on your cinematic dreams. While there’s no guaranteed method for making it big in Bollywood, talent, persistence, connections, and a very thick skin usually pay off.


“Have patience and believe in yourself. If you are talented and true to your work, you will get that big break,” says actor Rajat Barmecha, who made his Bollywood debut with the 2010 sleeper hit Udaan. He joins a panel of outsiders-turned-Bollywood successes who share their advice about getting your name rolling in the credits - whether it’s as an actor, director, choreographer, dancer, or in any one of those critical behind-the-scenes jobs.


Ignore the naysayers. When 22-year-old Rajat Barmecha signed on for Udaan, he had only a few modelling assignments under his belt. He had no filmi background, no ‘godfather’ in the industry, no training, no manager, and his first audition for the role was not a success. While everybody agrees there’s no formula to get into Bollywood, you would think it would be hard to do without at least one of the above. But Barmecha did, and is now a successful and critically acclaimed actor.



Others have blazed their own trails as well. Vishal Bhardwaj composed music before he became a Bollywood director with Makdee; Kunal Kohli was a film critic pre-Mujhse Dosti Karoge, and Madhur Bhandarkar worked in a video library… and that’s just a small range of the jobs people did before becoming directors.


Learn from auditions and meet the right people. It’s easy learning even if you haven’t got your big breakthrough as an actor. “There is no shortcut to success, but do as many auditions as you can - they were my biggest learning process,” Barmecha says.


Barmecha also believes that acting or other film schools aren't necessarily the right way to get into the business, but it's much more important to network and make the right connections. Beyond that, his advice is to work hard, stay focused, not get jealous of others’ success, and to stay grounded.


Training is good… Film school is obviously not a requirement to becoming a director, but it’s the one recommendation director Prakash Jha makes. “Get some formal training,” he says, suggesting institutes such as Film and Television Institute of India or Whistling Woods. The training doesn’t have to be in directing. Any film-related field – editing, cinematography, critiquing – that gives you an introduction and some practical instruction will do.


But experience is better. Training on the job is what will actually teach you the nitty-gritty of being a director. To become the man calling the shots, the most valuable learning role is that of an assistant director. It’s the job that forms the basis of most of Bollywood’s current crop of successful directors - because it gave them hands-on experience in the craft.


Explore the options. Being an actor or director might be the big Bollywood aspiration, but a movie requires any number of crew members – editors, storywriters, lyricists, cinematographers, set designers, costume designers, sound recorder - jobs with a higher rate of success in breaching Bollywood’s barriers.


One of the most desirable jobs in Indian movies is, obviously, dance and choreography. To get a break as a dancer, choreographer Ganesh Hegde advises circulating a demo of your work. Put together a demo tape with different sequences that showcase the breadth of your talent. If you want to be a choreographer, first assist a good Bollywood choreographer. “It’s the only way to understand camera angles and stage sets,” says Hegde.


Perfect your craft and be open to everything. To get a break as a dancer, Hegde says you should send around a demo tape to bag an audition. Once you are picked to be part of a troupe, you will spend at least three months training learning that choreographer’s style. “Being a dancer is simple,” says Hegde. “Stay updated with all the different forms of dancing – right now it’s western – be the best at your job, stay disciplined about weight, look, grooming, and you’ll come to the front row.”


Perfecting your skills is crucial, because you have to be good at what you do. “Bollywood is a lot of hard work,” says set designer Sugandha Leekha, who bagged her first job in set design over a conversation with friends. “It’s not glamorous, it’s crazy. To be part of it you have to be really passionate about what you do. You can’t have set notions about what you will do and what is beneath you - you have to be open to anything and everything.”

Photo: Getty Images

Nishat Fatima is a freelance writer and photographer. She has contributed to Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan and Khaleej Times and is currently working on her first book.

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